12 August 2011

Republican cage fight! A reasonably accurate transcript.

I am late in posting my comments. Other blogging duties took precedence, so I watched the repeat broadcast of the debate late at night. And really, both events are just preseason, right?

Rather than comment, I thought I'd just share a few highlights. I am pretty sure I transcribed them accurately, but I welcome your corrections:

Newt: The key to recovery is Six Sigma. I am just like Reagan. And McCain. Damn you, Chris Wallace!
...
Pawlenty: I know I hurt my campaign by wussing out against Romney in the last debate, so just let me say, the chick next to me is lame! Yeah!
Bachmann: Pawlenty is liberal.
Pawlenty: Wanna fight? C'mon!
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Cain: I may or may not give you a dumb answer, but let me make clear, Chris, that was a dumb question.
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Huntsman: That was a hard question, so let me just say: Buzzword. Platitude. Specific numbers. Cliché. And I will do this decisively.
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Pawlenty: If you can find Obama's plan, I will cut your lawn. But if you're Romney, only one acre. Because he's a damn rich guy, get it? Wanna fight?! C'mon!
Romney: Ass.
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Cain: America's got to learn to take a joke. (That one was actually real. And funny. And true.)
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Bachmann: Yes, I voted for a tax increase, but it was clearly Pawlenty's fault.
Pawlenty: Wanna fight?! C'mon!
Bachmann: Pussy.
Pawlenty: Put 'em up! I can take you!
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Santorum: Somebody please pay attention to me!
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Bret Baier: Raise your hand if you want to end your campaign today.
All: Are you f'ing kidding me?
Newt: You can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
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Pawlenty: Second swing at Obamneycare? Bring it! Okay...I could kick Mitt's ass! C'mon! But seriously, he's not quite as bad as Obama.
Romney: Tim is right. I'm not as bad as Obama. Let's just leave it at that, and stop talking about Obamneycare...uh...Obamacare.
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Chris Wallace: What about the Constitutionality of Obamacare?
Romney: SputterBabbleJabber...states rights...localism is not exactly like socialism. So there. Instead of answering questions about my record, can I fight with Pawlenty again? He's a pussy.
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Paul: I don't want to fight about this. The Constitution gives Romneys the right to do the wrong thing. I mean it's not really any worse than selling your body to fund your cocaine addiction. Freedom, etc.
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Romney: As commander-in-chief, I would follow the instructions of my subordinates in Afghanistan.
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Huntsman: Something about Paul Warfield and hacking. The relationship between the US and China is utterly failed in every way. It's a shame we have had utter incompetents in charge of this for the last two years. I am the only guy who can fix the damage wrought by Obama's US Ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman.
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Santorum: Please let me fight somebody. How about Ron Paul?
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Chris Wallace: You once said something that sounds dumb when I quote it out of context. Please respond.
Cain: I'd like to double down, please.
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Santorum: Ron Paul is just like Barack Obama!
Paul: Mind your manners, whippersnapper! Chop some wood and sit in the corner!
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Huntsman: Another hard question. Not picking a fight. We should talk about this. Nobody's wrong. Everybody's entitled to an opinion.
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Paul: Hard question. Bizarre hypothetical. Get off my lawn!
Santorum: Yeah, that's bizarre, but it isn't hypothetical. Lemme at that guy! I can take him!
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Santorum: The Supreme Court recently said that a man that committed rape could not be subjected to the death penalty, but the child conceived could. (This one's real)
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Bachmann: Tea Party.
Cain: Yes.
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Newt: Something about Whigs and central banks. Fundamentally. Clearly. Therefore.
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Santorum: Newt's okay and he's bigger than me. But I can still take Ron Paul.
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Santorum: Showmanship, not leadership to say we shouldn't raise debt limit, because we borrow 42%, but Medicare, Social Security and defense are 60%, so you can't balance by cuts! Limiting debt is dangerous, cutting spending is naïve and I'm against all tax increases! Realism! Experience!
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Huntsman: I'm the only one on this stage that stood up against the thing nobody on this stage was for!
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Closing Statements

Santorum: Winner. Experience. Underdog.
Cain: I'm the message.
Paul: Get off my lawn!
Romney: I'm not weird. Obama is.
Bachmann: C'mon. F%$* Obama.
Pawlenty: I need a drink.
Huntsman: Please remember my name.
Newt: Future trends. Complexity. Warshington. Me.

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